The Pearly Gates Gazette:
A whimsical back page to the All-Seeing Eye, which ran for the first two Volumes:
Pearly Gates Gazette
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VOL. 30000001 – NOVEMBER, 1923 – No. 1000000000006
UNIQUE DISCOVERIES MADE IN HEAVEN
Henry Ford Enters New Field
SPECIAL NEWS ITEM
It is expected that Henry Ford will open a factory here in the near future, as soon as he is able to get the patents out on his feather-lined Ford limousine with the seraphim radiator cap and arch-angelic bumpers. He is opening in competition with the firm which at present is supplying heavens elite. He is expected to build a large factory just a little distance out from the Milky Way and it is rumored that he has found a device to run the cars on lukewarm milk, large supplies of which have been found up here. Henry has an option on the entire Milky Way for use in his cars. Other papers please publish.
MONTHLY WIRE FROM HELL
The Devil is reported to have taken cold from being over heated last night. Two men committed suicide in a lover’s quarrel on earth and arrived there in a perfect frenzy. The natural temperature is 3000 degrees Fahrenheit but these two arguing Romeos brought the temperature up to 6400 whereupon the Devil fainted from over heat and is now being taken care of by several eminent physicians who are in hell because of their slightly irregular practice on earth since prohibition. He is at the mouth of Hell at the present time and the doctors say they will pull him through. His son, who was engaged to a European princess, is said to be hurrying home.
An epidemic of roup has broken out among the angels, and several of our leading society flowers are drooping sadly and have had to resort to pasting feathers on their wings because the natural ones all fell out. Madame Blaze, our beauty expert, is preparing a series of false wings to be slipped on over the original by those angels who have fallen beneath this unusual epidemic.
The Pearly Gates Telephone Co. cooperated with the city in the taking of the last census which produced a number of very interesting discoveries which may interest the general public. Out of every one hundred people in heaven at tho present time only about three profess the Christian faith. The majority of the inhabitants of this world have been kicked out of religion somewhere along the line. We have quite a number of Buddhists and our brownstone front row on Etherside Drive has four Mohammedans, two Greeks, twelve Chinese, four Fiji Islanders, thirty-two heretics, nineteen agnostics and one Christian.
A private wire to hell tells us that the Devil found quite the reverse when he made up his Infernal Directory for the year 1924. There are only two Brahmins, one Buddhist and one Chinaman on record down there and they are so good they are about to be sent up here on parole. Nearly all the rest claim to be followers of the Christian faith. His Satanic Majesty sends condolence. In the same wire, Satan asked that we send a couple of dozen good hodcarriers, coal truck drivers and woodchoppers down below as he is having difficulty keeping the fire hot enough to roast to the proper pitch the large number of new arrivals from the planet Earth. The poor Devil is always getting the worst of it.
Two phonographs, a player piano and an accordion are for sale in the family of Col. Mars. He is selling them because his neighbors object to the jazz craze which Mars has been perpetuating for several years. Mercury went into convulsions as the result of Col. Mars and his three sons jazzing the Sextet from Lucia and syncopating the Symphony in C. Minor. Several small asteroids have decided that Mars will have to sacrifice his musical equipment.
The Pearly Gates Divorce courts are flooded at the present time with couples who were unable to get their marriages annulled be-fore they died. The city is investigating this critical condition very carefully and is preparing to pass very rigid laws against flappering on the part of the younger angels. It is now generally admitted that it was one of the younger flapper angels who vamped Nicodemus and broke up a family of nearly two thousand years of amicable understanding. It is said that these angels secure the desired effect in vamping our stolid citizens by flappering their wings.
The Pearly Gates Gazette wishes to announce that the rival paper (the Heavenly Hash) is no good but spends all its time copying our deeply original editorials. The Heavenly Hash is a paper catering entirely to capitalism and is entirely in the hands of a group of angels who spend all their time feathering their own nests out of other people’s wings. If you want the latest news be sure and get the Pearly Gates Gazette. We don’t want to say anything about the Heavenly Hash, but it’s a rotten paper.
A special delegation from Earth came up to heaven last week to ask the Lord to change a few laws. It was headed by Prof. Barnacle and Matilda Mummy. They asked the Lord to rearrange natural law because they did not believe the universe was properly run. The Lord was taking his morning shower bath and declined to be disturbed. The delegation went away in a huff. Peculiar how these people down on earth are always trying to tell the Lord how to run things. He gets a thousand letters a day on how to run the universe by people who can’t run themselves. He is a master of the situation, however, having the special privilege to burn the mail unopened.